Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
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Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.