Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
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I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
#growingpains
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”