Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.