Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

I just hope they never ban YouTube because I’ll never be able to figure out how to fix anything ever again.

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.