Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
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Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
This meeting could have been a cake
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people