Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
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FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.