Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.

“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.

Certainly wasn’t me.

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’