[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
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I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
How does one answer this?
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I am having an out of money experience.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires