notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…
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And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
My beach vacation Google searches
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”