notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…
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*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler