Noted.
You Might Also Like
So inspired right now.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.