Noted.
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Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Just a reminder, folks:
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back