Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
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men, we mow at sunrise.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…