Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

✌️

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

Split the bill

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

Finally, a door that understands me

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”