Nothing.
You Might Also Like
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
S M O L
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
why no one uses midhusbands
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.