Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
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A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
…..pretty much.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.