@AmishPornStar1

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

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@fro_vo

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

@Royal_Stein

Unemployment Offices just emailed me to be a truck driver. I can’t drive a vehicle let alone a transformer

@jngraphs

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

@JediGigi

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

@TheBoydP

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

@HandfulOfLewds

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

@stevevsninjas

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

@UncleBob56

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?