Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
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Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.