Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years

Me *makes note in diary* will do

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good