Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
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Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Pigeon open mic night.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Mad Max Arctic Road
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*