Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
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I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
all bases covered
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Basketball
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
