Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“the hills are alive”

“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”

“with the sound of music”

“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”

Expect the unexporcupine.

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

Me checking my bank balance online.

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels