Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
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Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no