“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
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Received some very disappointing news today
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.