Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.