“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
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Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Worth a try
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
