Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pelicons

Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…

Life is crazy…

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

She might be a genius

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.