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[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.