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ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
me opening up to someone
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.