Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
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sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
A completely valid reaction tbh
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
