nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
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Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams