nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
You Might Also Like
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
…u ok Nintendo?
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
So we got a goldfish…
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food