nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
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FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
where’s Godzilla when we need him
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.