nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
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[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.