Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
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If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Wednesday
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?