Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
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Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
had to make it
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job