Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
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I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Two types of dogs.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time