Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning

🐥🐣

Unimpressed

With a text.

date: I like to try new foods

me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?