Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
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Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
shampoo implies shampee
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.