Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
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God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Guys which shade of gery should I get
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
had to share :’)
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees