Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

💀🤣

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

[Karaoke Bar]

Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶

Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.