Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party