Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
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Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Not helping
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Lassie, get help!
Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*