Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
You Might Also Like
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”