Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
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I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
eggs benadryl
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty