Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who called it hell and not heaven’t

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

Ugh but profoundly

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around