Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
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If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
How it started: How it’s going:
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea