Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’

is this a warning or an offer?

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

“Have you tried drinking more water?”

is the new

“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”

of health advice.