Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
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*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
#Caturday
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice