Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
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ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
socratic questions
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.