Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
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3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
this is literally a CIA plant
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer