Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.