Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
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Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
That’s fair
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
