Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
You Might Also Like
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
A dad and his duck
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Tony Hawk, age 6
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil