Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
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COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee