Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
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Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
2022 will be better than 2021
