Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
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Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
Pizza is an emotion right?
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.