Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
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Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Finally
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
dream blunt rotation
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.