Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
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Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
don’t ask me what my favorite tiktok is. that’s like asking me my who my favorite child is. i’ve never seen any of them before and i don’t know what they’re called
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I’m too immature for adultery.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl