Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
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I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face