Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
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Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Hero horse inspires millions
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.