Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.

Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.