nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
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When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.