Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot