Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

*me in the shower*

My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.

Me: WHAT!

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?