Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
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lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”