Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
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Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Mike is short for Micycle
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.