Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
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I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast