Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
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please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis