Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
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Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Raisins are grape jerky.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
You had me at “define legal”.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️