Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
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@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
He-man has a Masters degree
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.