Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if any student will ever top this email.

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*