Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
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Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
This is always good for a laugh.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Meow
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal